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Surviving a Overt and Covert Narcissist
Yesterday was a new milestone for me. As small as it would be for most, for me it was so big. Starters it has taken years for me to overcome being camera shy. I’m still working on being more confident and comfortable but I’ve come so far from the anxious ball I was a years ago. I started on Tik Tok with full intent that I was going to be ok to put my face in front of a camera and so far has helped tremendously. My first videos were without my face to slowly gradually…with filters lol putting myself in front of the camera. I still find my voice awful but what can you do about that. I think it’s nature to be over critical of ourselves to some degree.
Dear Me,
Dear Me,
I’m sorry for letting you down. For not listening to you and pushing you aside to prioritize someone else’s need for my love before my own. Why, is it so easy for me to fall in love with others and not myself? Because if I were to be honest and take the time to compare…I have always been the better choice. I have always been there for myself…supporting myself…fighting a fight no one else ever saw…slaying demons and darkness I would never wish upon my worst enemies. Why is it then, would I chose myself last. Why did I place myself in a corner and ever so boldly demand I stay quiet in my requests to be heard. I have to recognize the damage I caused in such choices I made and I have to forgive myself of such grievances. I shutter to think how poorly I misjudged not only my abusers but myself. How dare I ever put myself aside, I’m the prize, I’m the one to be loved and treasured. How dare I ever make that someone else’s responsibility to identify me as such.
As much as there is bad with social media…my appreciation allows me to take the time to look back on my past posts and quirky insights of my thoughts. Oh how different I was, it glimmers of who I really am inside far from all these deep layers that need healing. I have forgotten the real me somehow…my mindset was so bright intermingled with hints of wisdom I currently seek. I wish to be her again…I know I will…and yet somehow stronger and wiser and more loved than before. Because I know even then, I still chose to love someone more entirely than I did myself. I’ve always struggled with my self worth and the ideation that somehow I could be enough all on my own. Why does this become such criminal thought of thinking that somehow I’m imposing to say that I am. So much past damage to haunt a soul…but my determination is to change the outcome of my past. Recognizing this is my first step towards the right direction…I know I have this journey ahead. I choose me. I love me. I’m the priority and I am Enough.
Heart Break
Breakups are hard. I randomly broke down today because I thought of him…and I missed him. There was a piece of me that needed him so intensely and I broke down crying because I realized that part that I missed about him would never exist again. The time that I loved him in the matter I missed was back before he hurt me so deeply. It was the first time I recognized that man would never again exist. Even if I took him back and even forgave him…that man I knew that would never hurt me and that I loved entirely would never exist to me again and that crushed me. It felt like a death…sadly I know this as my Uncle passed away only a couple of days ago. I was not expecting this thought or pain to hit me so hard. It was something I didn’t know I would have to grieve over. I’m still lost over the fact he did nothing to fight for us…nothing to sooth my insecurities…only to relish in causing me more pain in them. I never in a million years thought he could be so cruel with my emotions given the fact he knew I was already so shattered from everything else going on in my life and much too fragile to want to feel such large waves of such inflected added injury. I don’t know that I’ll ever understand it.
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