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Surviving a Overt and Covert Narcissist
Yesterday was a new milestone for me. As small as it would be for most, for me it was so big. Starters it has taken years for me to overcome being camera shy. I’m still working on being more confident and comfortable but I’ve come so far from the anxious ball I was a years ago. I started on Tik Tok with full intent that I was going to be ok to put my face in front of a camera and so far has helped tremendously. My first videos were without my face to slowly gradually…with filters lol putting myself in front of the camera. I still find my voice awful but what can you do about that. I think it’s nature to be over critical of ourselves to some degree.
Dear Me,
Dear Me,
I’m sorry for letting you down. For not listening to you and pushing you aside to prioritize someone else’s need for my love before my own. Why, is it so easy for me to fall in love with others and not myself? Because if I were to be honest and take the time to compare…I have always been the better choice. I have always been there for myself…supporting myself…fighting a fight no one else ever saw…slaying demons and darkness I would never wish upon my worst enemies. Why is it then, would I chose myself last. Why did I place myself in a corner and ever so boldly demand I stay quiet in my requests to be heard. I have to recognize the damage I caused in such choices I made and I have to forgive myself of such grievances. I shutter to think how poorly I misjudged not only my abusers but myself. How dare I ever put myself aside, I’m the prize, I’m the one to be loved and treasured. How dare I ever make that someone else’s responsibility to identify me as such.
As much as there is bad with social media…my appreciation allows me to take the time to look back on my past posts and quirky insights of my thoughts. Oh how different I was, it glimmers of who I really am inside far from all these deep layers that need healing. I have forgotten the real me somehow…my mindset was so bright intermingled with hints of wisdom I currently seek. I wish to be her again…I know I will…and yet somehow stronger and wiser and more loved than before. Because I know even then, I still chose to love someone more entirely than I did myself. I’ve always struggled with my self worth and the ideation that somehow I could be enough all on my own. Why does this become such criminal thought of thinking that somehow I’m imposing to say that I am. So much past damage to haunt a soul…but my determination is to change the outcome of my past. Recognizing this is my first step towards the right direction…I know I have this journey ahead. I choose me. I love me. I’m the priority and I am Enough.
Heart Break
Breakups are hard. I randomly broke down today because I thought of him…and I missed him. There was a piece of me that needed him so intensely and I broke down crying because I realized that part that I missed about him would never exist again. The time that I loved him in the matter I missed was back before he hurt me so deeply. It was the first time I recognized that man would never again exist. Even if I took him back and even forgave him…that man I knew that would never hurt me and that I loved entirely would never exist to me again and that crushed me. It felt like a death…sadly I know this as my Uncle passed away only a couple of days ago. I was not expecting this thought or pain to hit me so hard. It was something I didn’t know I would have to grieve over. I’m still lost over the fact he did nothing to fight for us…nothing to sooth my insecurities…only to relish in causing me more pain in them. I never in a million years thought he could be so cruel with my emotions given the fact he knew I was already so shattered from everything else going on in my life and much too fragile to want to feel such large waves of such inflected added injury. I don’t know that I’ll ever understand it.
New Part of My Healing Journey
People that are close to me know I have a dark past of domestic abuse and recently a relationship that was filled with emotional and mental abuse along with physical abused displaced onto my children. I had made a promise to God the first time I had left that I would share my story and make great efforts to help other domestic abuse victims…and yet I could never find my place as to how I needed to show up for that. Ironically, I feel it was because my intuition was telling me I was not in a safe enough place in that relationship, at that time, to be able to share in it. In fact I know it was. My ex of 9 years and the father of my youngest made it clear from the start he wanted to hear nothing of my past and I not dare ever mention my late Husbands name. It was a forbidden topic with him…and so I obeyed but it cost me my voice on speaking what I went through and my ability to help others.
Now at 42, I have gone through 2 major relationships with two different types of Narcissists. I know now I’m in a place to be able to speak up and have a voice in what I feel a heavy calling to do. I’ve never been in a situation to feel safe enough to open up about my past to the degree I know makes all I’ve endured purposeful. It isn’t so much for me as I’ve found a great deal of healing of these past traumas but a mindset of wanting to help connect with others that may have or are currently facing such distress in a damaging life cycle of abuse. I want to help in ways that others may not have thought to. I have a few thoughts in which I will come forward with as I work on making them happen as they have ever so clearly been set on my heart to do.
This Thursday I’ve been invited to do my first podcast/youtube interview in discussion of my past experiences with abuse. I pray that I’m clear enough and thoughtful enough to make some sort of impact with what I share with others. I also will be taking up the space here to share as things come to mind…stories and things to be relatable…things to hopefully help prevent or escape the grasps of abusive relationships.
I would love to connect with other survivors. The ideas that I have rolling my head will hopefully design a space to be able to do just that. I can’t wait to share. I guess today, I’m announcing my intention to be more proactive in my stance to help against Domestic violence and abuse. For me publishing this help making that intention clear to do so. Driving forward momentum of a more purpose filled live I can look forward to.
Healing & Reset
Today I’ve gone through a world wind of emotions. You want to know what saved me…this…this right here. I’ve been away from this website for years and as I was contemplating starting a brand new site…I considered the idea of keeping what I already have. Then it dawned on me how crazy and insane that I would have thought of starting up something brand new. I have everything I need right here.
Years it has been since I’ve typed up anything here…dusting off a sector of my life that wakens a part of me that feels like an old friend. As much as I felt hurt this morning by my current events…I feel a sense of calm and dare I say joy in recovering this set aside neglected piece of me. It’s so natural to get back to everything that runs my life online. As if I’m waking up for the first time in a long time. I can’t believe I almost forgot who I was…so lost in the world demands to draw me into…far away from the person I’m designed to be.
Organic Pest Control Options for Plants
As a Plant Parent, it’s only a matter of time before you will run across your fair amount of encounters with pests found in your plants. This to me has been one of the hardest parts of learning how to get rid of pests without killing my plant until recently. I used to hear consistently to use neem oil. However, for me, I ended up killing more plants than saving them when using this stuff. I. So I moved on with using other organic means of getting rid of these plant suckers and have gotten really good results both for preventative measures and to get rid of when infested. (Click here to view my video review on these insecticides.)
Grow Lights that Work Indoors
Here are indoor lights that I personally use and know that work great! The Spectrum bulbs work great for medium to low light plants. The 12 pack are 4 feet long but when doubled up work great for bright indirect light plants or a single one for medium to low light plants. The 6 pack are purple light and work for most foliage plants however there are a few plants I’ve noticed that are fans of the purple grow lights. The 3 headed light is great because of the clamp style and will work for medium light plants and the miracle bulb is the closest comparable bulb I use for my rare philodendrons such as my PPP and White Wizard.
Indoor Greenhouses Always a Good Idea! My Setup!
I’m so excited to have gotten my new greenhouse a few days ago. I’m not sure why it took so long for me to get my plants all setup into their new home environment but I can tell you I already can see they are going to LOVE the high humid and higher temp and well-lit environment I have set for this space. I’m sure I’ll change out a lot of them but I’m placing a lot of my rare androids and philodendrons as well as rehabbing high maintenance Caletheas that about died after being treated for mites. As some of you may know their leaves are super sensitive and hate neem! A lot of my leaves got burned so I’m hoping they are going to eventually come back. We’ll see.
I do have a new organic pesticide that works on all my plants that no longer is an issue with burning or damaging or being too harsh on a plant. I’m super thrilled to have found something else that works.
Onto the greenhouses that I HIGHLY RECOMMEND. The first that I have listed is the one that I got…It’s an actual walk-in one…I liked it because it has two sets of shelves and the middles are great to be able to add additional plants of course! However, I know not everyone has the space for this size so I am providing links to smaller sized options that are ones I would def purchase because of the high reviews and price points.
Let me know in the comments if you have purchased one and what you think of yours! I already had the lights for my greenhouse and humidifier reader I only need a fan to help circulate the very humid air. It’s measuring around 80 which is wild because the rest of my house is in the 50 range. I’m excited to see the results of how well the plants do in this new setup. Here is a TikTok Video of my son putting it together. I’ll have a second video of it being filled soon!
Air Layer Propagation Must Haves
If you follow me on TikTok you’d know the success I’ve been having with my air layering. I wanted to go over in better detail what I use to be able to achieve this method of propagation. For me, it just makes sense not having to worry about stem rotting with water propagation. There is a lot less risk involved.
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Leca Introduction For Beginners
I am fairly new to using Leca Medium for my plants but I wanted to share with you what I’ve learned and will continue to add more as my knowledge grows over time. As you may know, if you follow me on TikTok, I’ve purchased a nice size 10 Liter bag off of Amazon and have been able to convert about 20 plants over to Leca. Some of the plants are brand new to being transferred over to this medium but there are ones that have been in this medium for well over a month or so. I can say they are all still alive and appear to be happy. Being that I have over 120 plants and counting…I don’t have any plans of converting all my plants to this medium but so far like to do with ones I feel are still developing a solid root system or ones that have a tendency to get root rot because of heavier water needs.
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